Warning: these are actually really plot rewrite heavy. Like, really. It'll taper off. Exciting newness and whatnot. Sorry.
Pilot (1x79) - Ah, the pilot. Who knew teaming up a pretty redhead and a not-ugly dork would lead to 9 years of 'what the fuck' moments. Not to mention frustrating no-answers and/or bad answers. BUT WE WILL GET TO THAT. We have to start 17 years ago (holy shit, really?!) in 1993. I would have been in about the 6th grade when the show debuted. I wish I were among the select few who could say I was there from the very beginning. Beginningish, but not pilot beginning.
So, it's 1993, Mulder meet Scully, Mulder and Scully meet Billy Miles. World meet awesome. Gillian Anderson is gorgeous and David Duchovny is a cool good looking dork who will not love you. (Although, maybe) A lot of shit happens just to get this episode rolling. Scully gets her job watching over and (hopefully) debunking Mulder, Mulder plays the cool rogue when they meet but shows that he has the will and ability to not only know she's coming but research her before she does. Also, a mysterious cigarette-smoking-dude in a suit watches from the shadows. Then we're off to the races. Right away Mulder brings out a case of strange goings on in a small town, and right away Scully says sciencesciencescience. Best go check it out to be sure.
In said small town, while finding weird things, coma people, and obstruction from the locals, Scully freaks out about marks on her body much like the ones they came to investigate which leads to the first Mulder/Scully "relationship scene" when she runs to his hotel room to have him examine her while still in her underwear. Everyone reacts platonically. Then they hang out and Mulder expositions all over the place about his missing sister. Let the shippers begin.
Anyway, and here's a sentence you'll be hearing a lot, it turns out Mulder is right! There's aliens here. There's implants in noses. There's mysterious evidence destroying fires. Then, suddenly, there's no mysterious coma guy because Mulder & Scully watch him and a girl get taken by the aliens!
This whole episode was TV changing. You had to watch the whole hour to know what was going on, and even then maybe ask someone else who watched. You know something untoward is happening when the boss and the mysterious dude question Scully very pointedly about the validity of Mulder's investigations on the X-File cases. And then mystery man ups the stakes by hiding evidence. In the pentagon. Really, you have to know what's next and why things are happening. Like I said, I didn't see the pilot the first time around, but I did catch it later and even knowing some of the down the lines stuff it's fascinating TV.
Deep Throat (1x01) - And we're right back to the meat of the story, which is really satisfying considering the amount of Monster-of-the-Week episodes to come. And I say that as someone who loves MotW episodes. Anyway, Deep Throat introduces, wait for it, Deep Throat, Mulder's "contact" who may or may not be telling him the truth at any given time. We meet him with Mulder, which is good because we can not trust him right along with Scully and really question why Mulder is so willing to follow his bread crumbs, then feel bad about it when they bear fruit. Mixed metaphors, bitch, get used to them!
What actually goes on? Mulder and Scully hang out in a bar–for the only time ever, I believe–and Mulder tells Scully about missing pilots at not Area 51, including one who just went missing a few months ago. When Mulder goes to the bathroom he's confronted by an old white guy who tells him to forget all about the air force base. And, like all forbidden fruit, Mulder redoubles his efforts and tells mystery knowledgeable man that he intends to find him some truth. Deep Throat then vanishes into the bar when Mulder stumbles into a conveniently placed patron outside of the bathroom. I BELIEVE HE WAS PART OF THE CONSPIRACY.
Later, at home, Mulder thinks his phone is bugged and very cleverly tells Scull-dog that SHE WAS RIGHT AND THIS CASE IS NOWHERESVILLE. Then in person says they're off to the base. Because the conspiracy is very stupid, or something. To Idaho they go, where they speak to another missing pilot's wife while the pilot is acting all weirdlike. Scully sciencesciencesciences a thing about stereotypy (I guess) and thinks the freaky pilots are probably failure from Project Aurora, which is real. Mulder dismisses this, because Mulder dismisses things that are so clearly straw grasps.
At a diner our intrepid duo notices the massive amount of UFOlogists about. Mulder buys an alien aircraft photo and Scully calls him a sucker in the first of her two really awesome moments in the show. This one's short, lots miss it, but it's hilarious. But then, because he's Mulder, he shows her up by also getting a hand drawn map to the cool hidden UFOy things in the neighborhood. Following this they stumble upon a spot where they see what looks like aircraft doing things aircraft simply can not do. And a stoned, very redheaded, Seth Green with some chickie who (for the price of a burger) spill their guts about everything they've ever seen. Also, Seth Green uses a hamburger like a toy. Robot Chicken is part of the conspiracy.
Then, weirdly, "Pilot Budahas" shows up at home. Only Mrs. Pilot Budahas says he is not who he is. And Mulder confirms this, to his mind, by asking him a question about airplanes he can't answer. And, by all rights, Mulder shouldn't be able to answer since later Scully has to tell him what a caduceus is. I mean, come on! When the agents are leaving they're pulled over by nondescript guys in nondescript dark suits in a nondescript Cadillac. Mulder knows the deal, but has no choice but to get out of the car for them while they remove every trace of evidence they have, then punch Mulder. Not cool, guys. That's not how you get recurring roles. Just sayin'.
M&S argue blah blah about secrets and the keeping thereof. Then, by himself, Mulder has stoned Seth Green show him how to get into the base. And asks for directions to not Hangar 18 where the cool stuff is supposed to be. And goes. And gets caught by a craft. Classic Mulder.
Scully starts to freak out about stuff like no phone lines and a missing partner because, in early episodes, whenever they were separate Scully usually spent her time freaking out or getting her pretty ass kicked. Or sometimes shooting stuff. One of the dudes Scully doesn't trust and I didn't bother to mention shows up and, after transpirings, she takes him hostage. Now comes her second cool moment as, while we see stuff happening to Mulder, Scully takes dudely and forces him to make them free him. Though she forgot to bargain for his memory and when he comes staggering out to the car he remembers nada about what he saw. Which sucks because, really, it's exactly what he was hoping to see when he got on the plane to Idaho. CLASSIC MULDER.
Back in D.C. Mulder and Deep Throat meet up on a track, which I'm sure is significant if you try hard enough, and DT tells Mulder that he and Scully could well be in danger. Then tells him he can slip him information. This is not suspicious.
A really great episode. Scully shows her balls for the first time, Mulder has the truth ripped from his hands (or head) for the first time, and the audience gets the first chance to be skeptical of someone's motives. Or at least me. I could be alone in not trusting Deep Throat from the beginning.
Squeeze (1x02) - Aah, our first bit of Monster-of-the-week. And it's a classic. First, definition time:
Mytharc: The overall, all encompassing, storyline of the show. Think aliens, government coverups, and government alien ups.
Got that? Now some will tell you that one type of episode is better than the other, but in truth it's about even as to good episodes, bad episodes, and just good and bad TV. ON TO THE SHOW.
Squeeze is, or was, an instant classic in X-Files history. The first MotW, completely forgetting about aliens and concentrating on just some fd up stuff happening somewhere in America.
Doing regular old FBI style work Scull-cap nets herself a suspect–Eugene Victor Tooms. A creepy dude crawling around the airshafts of a building at night. This also fits Mulder's odd theories because he wonders if maybe someone can fit through tiny tiny spaces. They question him and he passes his lie detector test, except for the weird questions Mulder threw in about being alive in 1933. Weird, huh? It only gets weirder when we learn that Mulder was right all along when he shows Scully a very advanced bit of fingerprinting that matches an elongated fingerprint with Tooms' perfectly. A further killing spree in 1903 makes Scully wonder if maybe the murders were done by Tooms' family. To be fair this is only episode 3, she doesn't know better yet.
The agents find an investigator of the 1933 string of murders, who it turns out agrees with Mulder because he also did some under the table investigating of EVT in 1963. He gives them a bit of liver and tells them about missing/stolen "personal items", then shows them an old picture of Tooms looking exactly the same as he does now. Mulder and Scully head to EVT's home where Mulder touches bile covered newspaper and is all "ewwwww!". Mulder gives Scully all the details about what he thinks. Eugene is a 30 year hibernation period having, liver eating, mutant who can stretch. So she agrees they should stake the place out. They're only two (SUPER) agents, though, so they get relieved by guys on Scully's old buddies squad. Who he immediately pulls off of that detail as a waste of time. Again, to be fair, we're never going to hear from this guy again and he never had a chance to learn the rules. Mulder, who is right, finds no one at Tooms' place when he stops by. Pissed he calls Scully, who is at home. Mostly so we know Scully is at home and have a reason to see her running a bath when Tooms breaks in to her place to eat her liver.
Our girl is saved by Tooms' overactive bile excretion when he drips on her giving her enough warning to Get her Gunn. Mulder tries to call her, but gets no answer, so like the over-protective semi-tool he is he rushes right to her place. Scully and Tooms are fighting inside when Mulder busts in and, in the confusion. she manages to cuff him to a pipe. Got cha, sucka!
In mop up we see EVT in his prison cell disgustingly making another newspaper nest and suspiciously eyeing the tiny slit his food is given to him through. IS THIS THE END OF EUGENE VICTOR TOOMS?
Well, no. But that's later. This was a damn good episode. Tooms was way fucking creepy, helped out quite a bit by things like the SFX department putting sound effects on his stretching. And the bile. God, that was nasty. Tooms was one of the first episodes I ever saw (in reruns) and I new the show would be amazing as long as it could stay half as creepy.
Conduit (1x03) - I have a weird relationship with Conduit. For some reason, no matter what, it just never holds my attention the whole hour. I don't know the why. I go in with good intentions and just kinda wander.
Have you heard the new DEVO album? It's pretty fucking goo--
Right. So, Conduit. A little boy watches his sister get vanished (just like Mulder). Mulder finds out about this (via tabloid headline) and wants to investigate. After some convincing, Mulder convinces Scully who convinces the bosses who were previously just not going for it. When they get to the kid's house he's watching a snowy TV and writing down 1s and 0s in seemingly random patterns. This is important. When the agents try to investigate they're stonewalled all over the place for some reason. Mulder, having faxed the kids binary page, is suddenly very interesting to the NSA who have intercepted the transmission because it contains snippets of defense satellite transmissions.* A whole bunch of the kids pages have been "decrypted" and it contains a whole bunch of stuff.
Aaaanyway, Mulder suspects that the kid was influenced by the aliens who stole his sister and that's why he can pick up binary from the tv. When he finds a dead body with a note in the wallet they somehow realize it was written by the same girl who had written a note earlier and when they talk to her she spills all kind of local secret beans. Something about pregnancy and lies about pregnancy and that she killed the dead body in the woods. Scully is ready to check out, Mulder isn't because it's just like what happened to him and his sister. And through sheer luck Scully happens to be upstairs in a building while downstairs they are laying out the binary pages into the exact grid they have to be laid out to make a big mosaic drawing. Weird coincidence, but that's ok because we're almost home.
M&S go to the campsite where the boy watched his sister vanish and, following a fresh trail, find a girl theyd met earlier all out of breath from being chased by a dude. Dude is found walking towards lights which, wait for it, are headlights from offroaders. Valedictorian he is. Then Scully screams because she's found the sister, unconscious. Sister is vague about where she's been, mom is coverupy for the sake of their reputations, brother is creepy at Mulder.
In mop up Scully listens to a tape of Mulder's regression hypnotherapy, which contains the infamous line "I want to believe." And credits.
It's just, I don't know. I don't care about this episode 10 minutes into this episode. I don't know if this is a worse crime than kinda caring about an episode only to be deflated by it in the last 5 minutes (Gender Bender) or what, but it is what it is. The awesome can't last long, three in a row is a good start. Unfortunately the lame to meh episodes continue for the next two. 3 on 3 off? We'll see!
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